So this past weekend was essentially the "winter meetings" for soccer here in Connecticut. which means all my friends and I from soccer life have the opportunity to get back together during the off season. It is such a great time, especially to see everyone again after a bit of a break from the college season. The main meeting for the referees was put on for a group that was selected at the "top officials" in the state. Two of our administrators went over qualifications and what it will take to make it to the next level, the national level. Quick breakdown, refereeing here in the US is done by grade levels. You start at a grade 8 and work up to 1. 2 and 1 are international referees, the guys you see at the world cup. I am currently at grade 5 looking to go to the national referee level which obviously starts at grade 4. Refereeing is not a job, nor can you live off just refereeing, but it is a great hobby. I want nothing more than to make it o the top level. I really truly believe that nothing can stop me when it comes to this. My life has worked out so far that I have been able to be available and go to most of the places for soccer. I can't say where I will be in a year but I know that I want refereeing to be a big part of it as I go back to school. Nothing was said in our meeting yesterday that cam as a shock to me. The commitment for something that IS NOT a career is really unbelievable. Between the travelling and the schedule changing at a moments notice, it really is going to have to be one of the biggest balancing acts, but again I want nothing more than to be successful at this. From the relationship aspects of things, it really is probably one of the worst things you could ever do lol. Picking up and leaving for 2 days, coming back home for 3 maybe 4 then off for another two and that is almost 8 moths out of the year. For now, that is not the problem the only thing that it going to be more important for me right now is the $$. I will make the time, but when it comes to paying for all the plne tickets and hotel rooms and such it really adds up even after 1 trip. See the thing in soccer is that unfortunately, for the referees, compensation isn't the easiest to come by. But, I will make it work, I have to, this is what I want more than anything, well that and also to be successful in my professional life, and to be happy, blah blah blah. School is going and will continue to go, but for me this year is really about my refereeing. Between the training I have been doing so far and trying to watch as many matches as possible, really just gearing up mentally and physically for the season which starts in the second week of March (not too far away). As I mentioned before I really am where I didn't think that I was going to be at the start of 2012 and how that really is awesome and the doors are open etc. there are still times where you can't help but feel crappy, even just for a little bit, where things are right now, but when I do all I think about is the possible opportunity not what could have been (ie school, home, relationship). Things are good, just have to smile and take the next step.

"Everyday should be a good day to die"

The only completely consistent people are dead...

I guess if you are a consistent person then that quote won't make you chuckle like it made me. One of the few consistent things in my life it that it is always changing. Guess what? Things don't always go to plan, things don't always go they way that you may want them to go, but as long as you realize that it is okay, you will be fine. Think you might fail and you will. The universe has a funny way of giving you the opportunity to do exactly what you want to do. That is not to say it will be delivered on a silver platter, because more often than not you need to find that door that is open just a crack. Maybe there are multiple doors that are cracked, and guess what? The first one you go through might be a dead end, and too the second and third one. Failure should not be an option, but it is a reality. A reality that we all should realize, but not accept. So much has already not gone to plan for me 24 days into 2012 that at first I was kinda bummed about it, but then I realized I am being provided with a great opportunity... to go in any direction that I want. There is nothing more powerful than the ability to chose where you will go. All we have is to be positive, and the rest stems from that. I still have those moments of, "Jesus, where do I go from here," don't get me wrong, but I almost tell myself that I don't have an option. I'm pissed I'm not where I thought I'd be in school, but how can you dwell on that?? Especially when it's something that will not change. I miss you, and I probably will for a while but how can you dwell on that?? Especially when it's not something that will change... you get the idea. If you are wondering, I guess the answer is yes, I do going on about things in the most general sense. Who knows the next time I will post, but I'm pretty sure I will have a damn good reason to whenever it is I do.

"Tell me what in the world would I go on for, if I had it all?"

One of my very good friends Bruno Mozzo and I at the Men's Soccer Big East Championship at Red Bull Arena this year in 2011. We have been so lucky to have gotten assignments at the finals the past two years especially while it was being held at one of the new soccer specific stadiums for the MLS. We have had some great memories and games the past 5 years in our college soccer refereeing career, but we have so many more in the years to come in both the college and professional soccer worlds... I look forward to all the games and traveling we have ahead of us... Penn Station 2012???

I'm going to fucking kill you....

... is one of the last things I heard at the end of my very first indoor refereeing shift of the winter. It has been nothing short of an extremely long fall for me. Between college and high school assignments I've done upwards of 60 games, and honestly there is only so much someone can mentally take. I knew I had no business doing games this weekend considering I am just coming off of the season I had; what ia success it was. I was supposed to work the Big East final, but as UConn was one of the teams I was not able to work it since I did go there. So, instead I got to hang out with good friends all weekend, eat great food, drink good booze, head into the city, and create new memories I will have for the rest of my life. Then I got to work on the America East men's soccer final that Sunday. A couple of high school playoff games later, I figured my season was done, but I got a phone call that they needed me to be on the crew at Brown for their first round NCAA playoff game against Farifield (which, if it wasn't for a class L playoff game Wethersfield v. Wilton it would have been the wackiest game I have ever seen). What an honor it was to get an assignment like that, but then I was given the responsibility of being the referee for one of the 4 regional finals/sectional final/elite 8 matches around the country. After a couple of upsets which made it possible for the games to be in the area, it was Steven Institute of Technology v. Montclair State. Relatively uneventful and without controversy, unlike some of the games the weeks before, my crew and I (pictured above) did a great job. What an honor and pleasure it was to work that game, to know that the work I am doing and the guys like me are doing isn't going unnoticed. It is interesting to see the reactions of people when they feel threatened just because you are new and having success. I can only hope that I NEVER retain that quality from my superiors. It is also interesting to see the "friends" you have that you never knew you had. They seem to come with success, just like a bucket of crabs, the first one who tries to get out will not make it becasue he is getting pulled back by the guy behind him. There are always people out there who want to see you fail because they feel maybe they can do the job better, or just that you shouldn't be doing the job in the first place. We cannot let those people bring us down. Do the right thing no matter who it will make happy or who it will upset. It is going to be an interesting time coming up for me as it is back to school in January and I begin my road to becoming a National Referee. It is time for me to be selfish and look out for me and what I want and what is going to make me happy. Of course, those who really matter to me and who are close to me I will look out for them, but I am the only one who is going be successful, no one is going to do that for me.

Yeahh... Still Up

Forgiveness.... Not the kind which those who love you give, but the kind that you have to give to yourself. Even when those people who mean so much to you give you what you need, it still doesn't seem like enough. Days, weeks, months, coming up on a year later you see how one incident, one very large mistake, one thing you wish you could take back, one thing that you hope doesn't ruin the best thing that has ever happened to you, still is an open wound. How am I supposed to move on from this seeing how much it still hurts? Seeing the hurt in your eyes, your tears tears my insides out. I could never do anything to hurt you like that, not that I needed to learn that because you are the one person I cannot hurt and knowing that I did will always live in that part of my brain I wish that I could get rid of until the day I die and even then I'll be wherever I am, still so sorry. You've always been the most important part of my life and all I can say is that I love you and I am sorry... I am so sorry

For any college football fans out there, I waited on Brian Kelley last night. He is the head football coach at Notre Dame. Really funny guy, definitely down to earth and not someone who think he is God's gift to this earth. It is kind of refreshing because the clientele we get is a higher end, wealthier group and some of those people really need to be knocked down a couple pegs.

Awake My Soul

So I'm really not good at this up keeping a blog thing. Usually I have some things on my mind that I want to get out, but don't want to sit down and write them all at once simply because I'm lazy. So, what I do is right a short blurb about how I'm back and that I'm going to carry on updating the blog... well, *cough cough* bullshit and as anyone can see the idea is great and there but the follow through clearly gets an "F."

So I believe it has been about 5 months since I last posted if I am remembering correctly which a lot has happened in that short time. First, as I mentioned before I took some classes at Middlesex so see what else might be out there for me and I believe that I have found it. I was always so interested in psychology when I was at UConn and took a couple classes and this spring I enrolled in an Abnormal Psych class. Studying why people the way they are how the brain works in some, but not others is absolutely fascinating. I plan on heading back to Storrs in the fall to work on my masters and eventual PhD in Clinical Psychology. I have always had a knack for helping people listening and giving advice. If there is one thing that I really like to do it is make people feel great, maybe I might not always do it but I try. SO its back to school for me which really isn't a bad thing as my soccer refereeing is not only still there, but is continuing to to grow. I was selected for a weekly award give out by US Soccer to the best referee performance in their top youth development league for the whole country. Next stop is Frisco, TX for the playoffs for that league. I head out the 23rd and will be back the 28th. I'm not sure how much I'm looking forward to the heat but the football should be great and it will be a chance to get away from CT for a week and do what I love to do. Between school, soccer, a new restaurant job in New Haven, and a relationship I really overloaded my schedule and took no consideration for what I was actually able to handle, but that is another blog for another time. The winter passed and so came the spring and the end of school and a brand new job in Old Saybrook at the brand new restaurant in the hotel on the point. It is such a different experience from Middletown and New Haven. The money is great, but the pressure to know everything about the food and service is high, but it is a welcomed challenge because I know that I will be able to not only succeed, but be the absolute best. Personally, today, I am struggling as the one person, who is such a large part of my life, and myself aren't talking. Apparently space was needed to decide to what was actually wanted. This is someone I love and I respect more than anyone else in the world, she is the strongest person I have met and could only pray to have same strength in my life, so I have no choice but to allow for that. I couldn't put up a stink or make a big deal because it is what she wants, and that's okay. The hurt is deep, it's not a hurt that came from the other person, it's from the interim loss from everyday to not at all and it is very hard. Scientists say that the brain treats separation like death because the it cannot differentiate between the two, it just falls under the category of loss, and that is why we get so upset and feel so terrible when things like that happen. We can only hope though that things happen for a reason, or that it is for the best. Its hard to believe that this feeling is what accompanies what is for the best, but only time will tell. Seconds feel like minutes, minutes feel like hours, and hours feel like days but for now, it is one day at a time.

Kind of a low note to end on so let's all get back on the same plane and gather around a common, uniting property... LeBron James and how much we really don't like him. I can safely say with the utmost confidence that I could not have played any better myself = )