Woof

I really didn't think that I would be able to get excited over a win at the bowling league I play in every Wednesday, but as long as there is that competitive nature in you, how could you not??  We were in first place in the league by 1 game playing against the second place team.  3 very competitive games, the last one with everyone bowling out of their minds, high scores, terrible misses, and great shots.  It's interesting to me because when I was younger I wasn't brought up in a competitive household, I did play all kinds of sports, but was never into many of them except for soccer.  It seems kinda funny though, I am talking about bowling haha, lets be real.
Anyway, unfortunately with the result of the Duke/UNC game doesn't look like I'll be watching too much ESPN tonight or tomorrow as it will be filled with the same highlights and reactions to River's 3 pointer.  Got class at 11 tomorrow then home to workout and from there I'm not exactly too sure.  Hopefully I'm able to grab a coffee with my buddy Alex, its been a while since we have seen each other, so there is a bunch we have to catch up on.  Some days are harder than others, and some parts of the day are harder than other parts, but today was another good day, physically I feel better and better everyday and I know that things are falling into place.  Life is good... what else could it be???

Yeahhh, that's what I thought.  Still miss you.

Goodnight

I Am the Captain of This Ship

I'm just itching to get back outside and get this spring soccer season going.  Don't get me wrong I'm not complaining about winter, I mean i don't know how I could considering we really haven't had one this year, but there is so much that I hope to get done this spring and summer and by the end of the season on my way to start working games in the MLS. 

The last post I had was a bit of nonsensical rambling at 3am, but I don't feel bad about it.  I had some friends come up to me and say, "oh hey I ready your blog from the other night," which at first I was like oh shit I'm sorry about that lol, but now that I think about it, I don't feel embarrassed about it.  There is a reason they call them feelings, you can't help but have them, you know?  Plus at the time I just really needed to vent.  I feel much better since then, so I know everyone is terribly concerned.  Anyway, I am halfway thorough the last week of the first month of the workout program Insanity and I have to tell you, this is not only the longest I have done it, but the best that I have felt physically in a while.  It just turns into a lifestyle change and the next thing you know you are in it and anything different feels weird.  This only gets me even more amped up for the soccer season because I can promise that I've never gone into a season feeling this good, and there is still another month left not only of the program, but before the season starts.  I have heard from people that the second month of Insanity if absolutely ridiculous, but if I have come this far and feel this good why should I stop??  If I can't do it right away, that's okay, just gotta keep working at it.

My best friend and his girlfriend leave next week for LA.  He is going to music school and she is going with him to hopefully continue her photography career.  I'm going to miss them, a lot.  Since junior year of high school Anthony and I have been best friends, obviously no amount of distance is going to change that, but it will be weird at first not being able to call him up to go jam, hang out, or go to the monkey farm but that is the point we are at in our lives.  Things start to open up and different roads  are the ones you start to take instead of the ones you thought you were going to.  I definitely cannot wait to go see them during the summer time.  I've never been to LA and I think it would make for a very interesting vacation, as I don't get to take many of those as it is.  They are having a party this Saturday as a sort of send off.  Sondra and Vic (Anthony's parents) are going to be in an empty house finally with Andrew at law school in Philadelphia, Chelsea down in New Orleans, and now Anthony leaving for LA... I feel like I will be stopping down for dinner once in a while, but that't no worry of mine.  They really have been like a second family to me and I am forever grateful to them.

I have class in just about an hour so, I guess I should be going.  Mom is leaving for New York for the next couple of days to go see her sister, which leaves me home with my dad.... yeahh about that, looks like I won't be home much the next couple of days.  Big night at bowling tonight, my team is in first place and we are playing the second place team who is only 1 game behind us.  On other fronts, Alcatraz and The River are where its at, watch them they're they tits.  Things continue to change everyday, but that's okay.  Nothing feels better than optimism.  Life is good

This is so easy yet it is so hard.  I'm so impulsive, when it comes to certain things.  I wish that sometimes I was more like my brother.  He is so analytic, he is presented with a situation and goes over each decisions and what the result of them are.  I on the other hand act with reckless abandon for anything that might happen and just go with it.  Everything happens for a reason, right?  Or is that just some cliche that somebody created to make themselves feel better about their situation?  There's a reason she texted, there's a reason she called... In the end it is ALWAYS better not to pretend that things don't exist.  Knowing they do is better.  Worse... but better.  I'd be a liar to say I don't miss her, I'd be a liar to say that I haven't thought about her.  This is my best friend, someone I love. I care what happens to her over the next 50 years.  I care about the experiences, the great times, the funny times, the okay times, the not so good times, and the terribly shitty times.  I'm just not there at this time in my life.  You can bury feelings away when you know that you won't hear from someone or that things will be a certain way, but that takes time.  Am I being selfish??  She's the one that doesn't want me, so how could it be selfish.  I should have as much time as I need.  Maybe there isn't enough time left in my life to make it to that point, I just don't know.  There is nothing more that I want than to be there and help when things aren't great, but I cannot deny the fact that I still want something more and that is just the way it is.  Can I put even my deepest of feelings aside for someone?  They better REALLY need me if that was the case.  But am I just putting myself in a situation where that feeling like something just exploded in your stomach, happens again.  Where do I go from here?  Damn right I care about her, when shit happened to her there was a part of me it happened to as well, I will no deny that, its why things run so deep in me.  Even just hearing the regret of maybe she thought about something with someone else even though they were back together with someone... its like a little bomb was dropped inside.  You know it was bound to happen sometime, but it still sucks.  It tells me I'm not ready, but is this how you make yourself ready?  If you only want some of me, you can't have me.  Especially where there is that part that I've buried deep down that is clawing at the dirt, scratching the surface begging to be let out of that place where we put those things that hurt us.  So negative, I know.  What the fuck?  This is the same person where there have been so many good times I can't even count.  My mind races there are so many, things that haven't happened in a while.  The smiles that came from even the most random conversations, laughing pretty much at everything, just talking about anything and everything, succeeding, even failing, wine on the couch in the back yard, summers by the pool, crepes and chocolate chai tea for breakfast making fun of everyone else in the place, late night episodes of chopped, leaving so quietly at 5am, making sure you were asleep before I left and trying ever so quietly trying not to wake, not you, but everyone else up, walks with the dogs and iced coffees, sushi, any of the close to a hundred times we went out to eat, mac and cheese pizza, Dave, beer pong with wine even when i felt like death being the only one in sweats at a party where the dudes were in ties and the girls in dresses, four lokos before the Durham fair and yes the old school (really did I just refer to a four loko as old school?), showing up 10 minutes after scheduled kick off at Brown (i fucked that one up bad) and cheesecake factory afterward, it continues on and on. To some it might seem like isolated events, but sometimes they are so much more.  As much as I want to say no all that also has an effect on me.  How do you just chalk stuff that has impacted you to just "experience."  Oh well you will know what to do next time, really??  But that is the risk I run being so impulsive, its my greatest attribute and my greatest flaw.  She's not a bad person, in fact one of the best people out there, the kind of person everyone should have at least 1 of in their lives.  I just don't know, I really don't.  I've made my referee career on it and I will have to make my career in psychology all about knowing and being right, but for this I have no idea.  Do I give myself away?  Do I keep me to myself? All I know is that inside there is a huge amount of love that I want to give, but I have to bury that love because some of it is more than the love than she wants.  In retrospect I am a better person for everything that has happened.  That's how I learn, others maybe no so much.  I know what to do next time, I know when to be there when not to be.  When to let it go, when to keep pushing.  Tonight I tipped the boat just a little too much and I took on more water than I was ready for, it sucks.  But I thought it was a good idea at the time.  Time to get the  bucket out and start throwing some of that water back overboard.  I miss you.

 I'll be falling all about my own thing, and I know you're they heaviest weight, when you're not here, that's hung around my head.  And your lips burn wild thrown from the face of a child and in your eyes the seeing of the greatest few.  Do what you will, always walk where you like, your steps, do what you please, I'll back you up.