This is so easy yet it is so hard.  I'm so impulsive, when it comes to certain things.  I wish that sometimes I was more like my brother.  He is so analytic, he is presented with a situation and goes over each decisions and what the result of them are.  I on the other hand act with reckless abandon for anything that might happen and just go with it.  Everything happens for a reason, right?  Or is that just some cliche that somebody created to make themselves feel better about their situation?  There's a reason she texted, there's a reason she called... In the end it is ALWAYS better not to pretend that things don't exist.  Knowing they do is better.  Worse... but better.  I'd be a liar to say I don't miss her, I'd be a liar to say that I haven't thought about her.  This is my best friend, someone I love. I care what happens to her over the next 50 years.  I care about the experiences, the great times, the funny times, the okay times, the not so good times, and the terribly shitty times.  I'm just not there at this time in my life.  You can bury feelings away when you know that you won't hear from someone or that things will be a certain way, but that takes time.  Am I being selfish??  She's the one that doesn't want me, so how could it be selfish.  I should have as much time as I need.  Maybe there isn't enough time left in my life to make it to that point, I just don't know.  There is nothing more that I want than to be there and help when things aren't great, but I cannot deny the fact that I still want something more and that is just the way it is.  Can I put even my deepest of feelings aside for someone?  They better REALLY need me if that was the case.  But am I just putting myself in a situation where that feeling like something just exploded in your stomach, happens again.  Where do I go from here?  Damn right I care about her, when shit happened to her there was a part of me it happened to as well, I will no deny that, its why things run so deep in me.  Even just hearing the regret of maybe she thought about something with someone else even though they were back together with someone... its like a little bomb was dropped inside.  You know it was bound to happen sometime, but it still sucks.  It tells me I'm not ready, but is this how you make yourself ready?  If you only want some of me, you can't have me.  Especially where there is that part that I've buried deep down that is clawing at the dirt, scratching the surface begging to be let out of that place where we put those things that hurt us.  So negative, I know.  What the fuck?  This is the same person where there have been so many good times I can't even count.  My mind races there are so many, things that haven't happened in a while.  The smiles that came from even the most random conversations, laughing pretty much at everything, just talking about anything and everything, succeeding, even failing, wine on the couch in the back yard, summers by the pool, crepes and chocolate chai tea for breakfast making fun of everyone else in the place, late night episodes of chopped, leaving so quietly at 5am, making sure you were asleep before I left and trying ever so quietly trying not to wake, not you, but everyone else up, walks with the dogs and iced coffees, sushi, any of the close to a hundred times we went out to eat, mac and cheese pizza, Dave, beer pong with wine even when i felt like death being the only one in sweats at a party where the dudes were in ties and the girls in dresses, four lokos before the Durham fair and yes the old school (really did I just refer to a four loko as old school?), showing up 10 minutes after scheduled kick off at Brown (i fucked that one up bad) and cheesecake factory afterward, it continues on and on. To some it might seem like isolated events, but sometimes they are so much more.  As much as I want to say no all that also has an effect on me.  How do you just chalk stuff that has impacted you to just "experience."  Oh well you will know what to do next time, really??  But that is the risk I run being so impulsive, its my greatest attribute and my greatest flaw.  She's not a bad person, in fact one of the best people out there, the kind of person everyone should have at least 1 of in their lives.  I just don't know, I really don't.  I've made my referee career on it and I will have to make my career in psychology all about knowing and being right, but for this I have no idea.  Do I give myself away?  Do I keep me to myself? All I know is that inside there is a huge amount of love that I want to give, but I have to bury that love because some of it is more than the love than she wants.  In retrospect I am a better person for everything that has happened.  That's how I learn, others maybe no so much.  I know what to do next time, I know when to be there when not to be.  When to let it go, when to keep pushing.  Tonight I tipped the boat just a little too much and I took on more water than I was ready for, it sucks.  But I thought it was a good idea at the time.  Time to get the  bucket out and start throwing some of that water back overboard.  I miss you.

 I'll be falling all about my own thing, and I know you're they heaviest weight, when you're not here, that's hung around my head.  And your lips burn wild thrown from the face of a child and in your eyes the seeing of the greatest few.  Do what you will, always walk where you like, your steps, do what you please, I'll back you up.