Woof

I really didn't think that I would be able to get excited over a win at the bowling league I play in every Wednesday, but as long as there is that competitive nature in you, how could you not??  We were in first place in the league by 1 game playing against the second place team.  3 very competitive games, the last one with everyone bowling out of their minds, high scores, terrible misses, and great shots.  It's interesting to me because when I was younger I wasn't brought up in a competitive household, I did play all kinds of sports, but was never into many of them except for soccer.  It seems kinda funny though, I am talking about bowling haha, lets be real.
Anyway, unfortunately with the result of the Duke/UNC game doesn't look like I'll be watching too much ESPN tonight or tomorrow as it will be filled with the same highlights and reactions to River's 3 pointer.  Got class at 11 tomorrow then home to workout and from there I'm not exactly too sure.  Hopefully I'm able to grab a coffee with my buddy Alex, its been a while since we have seen each other, so there is a bunch we have to catch up on.  Some days are harder than others, and some parts of the day are harder than other parts, but today was another good day, physically I feel better and better everyday and I know that things are falling into place.  Life is good... what else could it be???

Yeahhh, that's what I thought.  Still miss you.

Goodnight

I Am the Captain of This Ship

I'm just itching to get back outside and get this spring soccer season going.  Don't get me wrong I'm not complaining about winter, I mean i don't know how I could considering we really haven't had one this year, but there is so much that I hope to get done this spring and summer and by the end of the season on my way to start working games in the MLS. 

The last post I had was a bit of nonsensical rambling at 3am, but I don't feel bad about it.  I had some friends come up to me and say, "oh hey I ready your blog from the other night," which at first I was like oh shit I'm sorry about that lol, but now that I think about it, I don't feel embarrassed about it.  There is a reason they call them feelings, you can't help but have them, you know?  Plus at the time I just really needed to vent.  I feel much better since then, so I know everyone is terribly concerned.  Anyway, I am halfway thorough the last week of the first month of the workout program Insanity and I have to tell you, this is not only the longest I have done it, but the best that I have felt physically in a while.  It just turns into a lifestyle change and the next thing you know you are in it and anything different feels weird.  This only gets me even more amped up for the soccer season because I can promise that I've never gone into a season feeling this good, and there is still another month left not only of the program, but before the season starts.  I have heard from people that the second month of Insanity if absolutely ridiculous, but if I have come this far and feel this good why should I stop??  If I can't do it right away, that's okay, just gotta keep working at it.

My best friend and his girlfriend leave next week for LA.  He is going to music school and she is going with him to hopefully continue her photography career.  I'm going to miss them, a lot.  Since junior year of high school Anthony and I have been best friends, obviously no amount of distance is going to change that, but it will be weird at first not being able to call him up to go jam, hang out, or go to the monkey farm but that is the point we are at in our lives.  Things start to open up and different roads  are the ones you start to take instead of the ones you thought you were going to.  I definitely cannot wait to go see them during the summer time.  I've never been to LA and I think it would make for a very interesting vacation, as I don't get to take many of those as it is.  They are having a party this Saturday as a sort of send off.  Sondra and Vic (Anthony's parents) are going to be in an empty house finally with Andrew at law school in Philadelphia, Chelsea down in New Orleans, and now Anthony leaving for LA... I feel like I will be stopping down for dinner once in a while, but that't no worry of mine.  They really have been like a second family to me and I am forever grateful to them.

I have class in just about an hour so, I guess I should be going.  Mom is leaving for New York for the next couple of days to go see her sister, which leaves me home with my dad.... yeahh about that, looks like I won't be home much the next couple of days.  Big night at bowling tonight, my team is in first place and we are playing the second place team who is only 1 game behind us.  On other fronts, Alcatraz and The River are where its at, watch them they're they tits.  Things continue to change everyday, but that's okay.  Nothing feels better than optimism.  Life is good

This is so easy yet it is so hard.  I'm so impulsive, when it comes to certain things.  I wish that sometimes I was more like my brother.  He is so analytic, he is presented with a situation and goes over each decisions and what the result of them are.  I on the other hand act with reckless abandon for anything that might happen and just go with it.  Everything happens for a reason, right?  Or is that just some cliche that somebody created to make themselves feel better about their situation?  There's a reason she texted, there's a reason she called... In the end it is ALWAYS better not to pretend that things don't exist.  Knowing they do is better.  Worse... but better.  I'd be a liar to say I don't miss her, I'd be a liar to say that I haven't thought about her.  This is my best friend, someone I love. I care what happens to her over the next 50 years.  I care about the experiences, the great times, the funny times, the okay times, the not so good times, and the terribly shitty times.  I'm just not there at this time in my life.  You can bury feelings away when you know that you won't hear from someone or that things will be a certain way, but that takes time.  Am I being selfish??  She's the one that doesn't want me, so how could it be selfish.  I should have as much time as I need.  Maybe there isn't enough time left in my life to make it to that point, I just don't know.  There is nothing more that I want than to be there and help when things aren't great, but I cannot deny the fact that I still want something more and that is just the way it is.  Can I put even my deepest of feelings aside for someone?  They better REALLY need me if that was the case.  But am I just putting myself in a situation where that feeling like something just exploded in your stomach, happens again.  Where do I go from here?  Damn right I care about her, when shit happened to her there was a part of me it happened to as well, I will no deny that, its why things run so deep in me.  Even just hearing the regret of maybe she thought about something with someone else even though they were back together with someone... its like a little bomb was dropped inside.  You know it was bound to happen sometime, but it still sucks.  It tells me I'm not ready, but is this how you make yourself ready?  If you only want some of me, you can't have me.  Especially where there is that part that I've buried deep down that is clawing at the dirt, scratching the surface begging to be let out of that place where we put those things that hurt us.  So negative, I know.  What the fuck?  This is the same person where there have been so many good times I can't even count.  My mind races there are so many, things that haven't happened in a while.  The smiles that came from even the most random conversations, laughing pretty much at everything, just talking about anything and everything, succeeding, even failing, wine on the couch in the back yard, summers by the pool, crepes and chocolate chai tea for breakfast making fun of everyone else in the place, late night episodes of chopped, leaving so quietly at 5am, making sure you were asleep before I left and trying ever so quietly trying not to wake, not you, but everyone else up, walks with the dogs and iced coffees, sushi, any of the close to a hundred times we went out to eat, mac and cheese pizza, Dave, beer pong with wine even when i felt like death being the only one in sweats at a party where the dudes were in ties and the girls in dresses, four lokos before the Durham fair and yes the old school (really did I just refer to a four loko as old school?), showing up 10 minutes after scheduled kick off at Brown (i fucked that one up bad) and cheesecake factory afterward, it continues on and on. To some it might seem like isolated events, but sometimes they are so much more.  As much as I want to say no all that also has an effect on me.  How do you just chalk stuff that has impacted you to just "experience."  Oh well you will know what to do next time, really??  But that is the risk I run being so impulsive, its my greatest attribute and my greatest flaw.  She's not a bad person, in fact one of the best people out there, the kind of person everyone should have at least 1 of in their lives.  I just don't know, I really don't.  I've made my referee career on it and I will have to make my career in psychology all about knowing and being right, but for this I have no idea.  Do I give myself away?  Do I keep me to myself? All I know is that inside there is a huge amount of love that I want to give, but I have to bury that love because some of it is more than the love than she wants.  In retrospect I am a better person for everything that has happened.  That's how I learn, others maybe no so much.  I know what to do next time, I know when to be there when not to be.  When to let it go, when to keep pushing.  Tonight I tipped the boat just a little too much and I took on more water than I was ready for, it sucks.  But I thought it was a good idea at the time.  Time to get the  bucket out and start throwing some of that water back overboard.  I miss you.

 I'll be falling all about my own thing, and I know you're they heaviest weight, when you're not here, that's hung around my head.  And your lips burn wild thrown from the face of a child and in your eyes the seeing of the greatest few.  Do what you will, always walk where you like, your steps, do what you please, I'll back you up.

So this past weekend was essentially the "winter meetings" for soccer here in Connecticut. which means all my friends and I from soccer life have the opportunity to get back together during the off season. It is such a great time, especially to see everyone again after a bit of a break from the college season. The main meeting for the referees was put on for a group that was selected at the "top officials" in the state. Two of our administrators went over qualifications and what it will take to make it to the next level, the national level. Quick breakdown, refereeing here in the US is done by grade levels. You start at a grade 8 and work up to 1. 2 and 1 are international referees, the guys you see at the world cup. I am currently at grade 5 looking to go to the national referee level which obviously starts at grade 4. Refereeing is not a job, nor can you live off just refereeing, but it is a great hobby. I want nothing more than to make it o the top level. I really truly believe that nothing can stop me when it comes to this. My life has worked out so far that I have been able to be available and go to most of the places for soccer. I can't say where I will be in a year but I know that I want refereeing to be a big part of it as I go back to school. Nothing was said in our meeting yesterday that cam as a shock to me. The commitment for something that IS NOT a career is really unbelievable. Between the travelling and the schedule changing at a moments notice, it really is going to have to be one of the biggest balancing acts, but again I want nothing more than to be successful at this. From the relationship aspects of things, it really is probably one of the worst things you could ever do lol. Picking up and leaving for 2 days, coming back home for 3 maybe 4 then off for another two and that is almost 8 moths out of the year. For now, that is not the problem the only thing that it going to be more important for me right now is the $$. I will make the time, but when it comes to paying for all the plne tickets and hotel rooms and such it really adds up even after 1 trip. See the thing in soccer is that unfortunately, for the referees, compensation isn't the easiest to come by. But, I will make it work, I have to, this is what I want more than anything, well that and also to be successful in my professional life, and to be happy, blah blah blah. School is going and will continue to go, but for me this year is really about my refereeing. Between the training I have been doing so far and trying to watch as many matches as possible, really just gearing up mentally and physically for the season which starts in the second week of March (not too far away). As I mentioned before I really am where I didn't think that I was going to be at the start of 2012 and how that really is awesome and the doors are open etc. there are still times where you can't help but feel crappy, even just for a little bit, where things are right now, but when I do all I think about is the possible opportunity not what could have been (ie school, home, relationship). Things are good, just have to smile and take the next step.

"Everyday should be a good day to die"

The only completely consistent people are dead...

I guess if you are a consistent person then that quote won't make you chuckle like it made me. One of the few consistent things in my life it that it is always changing. Guess what? Things don't always go to plan, things don't always go they way that you may want them to go, but as long as you realize that it is okay, you will be fine. Think you might fail and you will. The universe has a funny way of giving you the opportunity to do exactly what you want to do. That is not to say it will be delivered on a silver platter, because more often than not you need to find that door that is open just a crack. Maybe there are multiple doors that are cracked, and guess what? The first one you go through might be a dead end, and too the second and third one. Failure should not be an option, but it is a reality. A reality that we all should realize, but not accept. So much has already not gone to plan for me 24 days into 2012 that at first I was kinda bummed about it, but then I realized I am being provided with a great opportunity... to go in any direction that I want. There is nothing more powerful than the ability to chose where you will go. All we have is to be positive, and the rest stems from that. I still have those moments of, "Jesus, where do I go from here," don't get me wrong, but I almost tell myself that I don't have an option. I'm pissed I'm not where I thought I'd be in school, but how can you dwell on that?? Especially when it's something that will not change. I miss you, and I probably will for a while but how can you dwell on that?? Especially when it's not something that will change... you get the idea. If you are wondering, I guess the answer is yes, I do going on about things in the most general sense. Who knows the next time I will post, but I'm pretty sure I will have a damn good reason to whenever it is I do.

"Tell me what in the world would I go on for, if I had it all?"

One of my very good friends Bruno Mozzo and I at the Men's Soccer Big East Championship at Red Bull Arena this year in 2011. We have been so lucky to have gotten assignments at the finals the past two years especially while it was being held at one of the new soccer specific stadiums for the MLS. We have had some great memories and games the past 5 years in our college soccer refereeing career, but we have so many more in the years to come in both the college and professional soccer worlds... I look forward to all the games and traveling we have ahead of us... Penn Station 2012???

I'm going to fucking kill you....

... is one of the last things I heard at the end of my very first indoor refereeing shift of the winter. It has been nothing short of an extremely long fall for me. Between college and high school assignments I've done upwards of 60 games, and honestly there is only so much someone can mentally take. I knew I had no business doing games this weekend considering I am just coming off of the season I had; what ia success it was. I was supposed to work the Big East final, but as UConn was one of the teams I was not able to work it since I did go there. So, instead I got to hang out with good friends all weekend, eat great food, drink good booze, head into the city, and create new memories I will have for the rest of my life. Then I got to work on the America East men's soccer final that Sunday. A couple of high school playoff games later, I figured my season was done, but I got a phone call that they needed me to be on the crew at Brown for their first round NCAA playoff game against Farifield (which, if it wasn't for a class L playoff game Wethersfield v. Wilton it would have been the wackiest game I have ever seen). What an honor it was to get an assignment like that, but then I was given the responsibility of being the referee for one of the 4 regional finals/sectional final/elite 8 matches around the country. After a couple of upsets which made it possible for the games to be in the area, it was Steven Institute of Technology v. Montclair State. Relatively uneventful and without controversy, unlike some of the games the weeks before, my crew and I (pictured above) did a great job. What an honor and pleasure it was to work that game, to know that the work I am doing and the guys like me are doing isn't going unnoticed. It is interesting to see the reactions of people when they feel threatened just because you are new and having success. I can only hope that I NEVER retain that quality from my superiors. It is also interesting to see the "friends" you have that you never knew you had. They seem to come with success, just like a bucket of crabs, the first one who tries to get out will not make it becasue he is getting pulled back by the guy behind him. There are always people out there who want to see you fail because they feel maybe they can do the job better, or just that you shouldn't be doing the job in the first place. We cannot let those people bring us down. Do the right thing no matter who it will make happy or who it will upset. It is going to be an interesting time coming up for me as it is back to school in January and I begin my road to becoming a National Referee. It is time for me to be selfish and look out for me and what I want and what is going to make me happy. Of course, those who really matter to me and who are close to me I will look out for them, but I am the only one who is going be successful, no one is going to do that for me.